Scripture · Ephesians 2:4-5
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved...” (Ephesians 2:4-5)
Quote · Tim Kimmel
“God doesn't treat us the way we typically treat each other. Yet if we've placed our faith in Christ and his transforming work on the cross, we should be filled with grace as we relate to our spouse—especially.” — Tim Kimmel, Grace Filled Marriage
Grace
Grace, not works, is the basis for a relationship with God. The Bible makes this clear in Ephesians 2:4-5. Grace is an undeserved gift (Ephesians 2:8). It is the offer of an unconditional loving relationship with a perfect God despite your imperfect human nature. Because you are imperfect and unable to overcome sin on your own, you will never have a right relationship with God without receiving his offer of grace. God's grace is necessary for a right relationship with him.
Grace in marriage
Just as sin divided your relationship with God, sin also divides human relationships. If God's grace can bridge the wide gap created by sin in your relationship with him, it can also bridge gaps in marriage created by two imperfect spouses. In fact, God's grace is necessary to experience marriage as he designed.
Works-based vs grace-based
Many of us mistakenly believe that we need to earn God's love, that God's love for us is based upon how much we do for him or behave for him. Often, this is because of how we have been loved by other people. Humans tend to love those who love us and hate those who hate us.
Works-based marriage
This faulty way of thinking can carry into marriage, causing us to think that we must earn one another's love. We may withhold love if our spouse isn't performing as we expect, or we may perform for our spouse to become “lovable” ourselves. In a works-based marriage a spouse may think, “You haven't earned my love, so I can't love you today” or “I don't deserve love because I haven't been good today.”
Gift of grace
But works-based love is so different from how God loves us and wants us to love each other. By grace he loves us! It is a gift we can extend to others (Titus 3:3-5 and Matthew 5:43-45).
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” (Ephesians 2:8)
The Gospel · parted by sin
God didn't wait for you to behave correctly or to love him before he took action to love you. He initiated love when you were at your worst. Your sins separated you from God because he is holy by nature. Sins like pride, selfishness, laziness, lust, and materialism divided your relationship. Because of God's holiness, your sins even deserve death in his eyes.
Holy: God is separate and distinct in his perfection.
The Gospel · Christ's gift
But you also matter greatly to God as his creation. In fact, you are so valuable that God sent his Son, Jesus, to meet his perfect (holy) standard and die for your sins on your behalf. Christ paid your death penalty so that your sins would not stand in the way of a right relationship with God. Christ's payment for your sin was an acceptable sacrifice for God. Astoundingly, Jesus graciously offers his payment for sins as a gift to anyone who will receive it (Romans 3:23-24).
The Gospel · receive
If, by faith, you have trusted in Christ you are a recipient of God's incredible grace. You have received the gift of eternal life with him. A deep, personal, and loving relationship with God is fully available to you now.
If you haven't yet trusted Christ as your Savior, know that God's grace is freely offered to you (John 3:16). No matter what you've done in the past, God is pursuing a relationship with you today because he loves you. This good news is called the Gospel.
When grace is offensive
On your own merit, you will never be good enough, lovable enough, or perform well enough to earn God's love because your resumé isn't holy; only Christ's perfect resumé meets God's holy standard. That is why Christ's offering of grace to the world is good news to those who are humble to receive it.
Worldly comparisons
This grace can be offensive to those who want to earn their own way, present good works, or justify themselves by comparing to worldly standards. They may think, “Well, I am better than that person,” or “My sins aren't as bad as yours,” or “I could have done worse.” But these worldly comparisons are not God's standard. God's only benchmark is Christ. And all of us fall short of that standard.
Merit-based relationships
When you operate with a merit-based mentality in relationships you may try to do good to overcome bad or justify harm you've caused by comparing it to harm you've suffered. You may keep score so you can present your resume or shift blame to another's failures when confronted about your own sin. A works-based mentality makes it difficult to receive grace and difficult to extend grace. All of us struggle with works-based thinking in some way. It is human nature to try to live independently of God and dismiss our need for grace.
Receive in order to extend
Since you will never be good enough to earn God's love, God extending his grace to you through Christ is good news. God loves you freely! And extending grace to your spouse will be good news for your marriage. Just as grace is necessary for your relationship with God to work, it is necessary for your relationship with your spouse to work. Those who receive God's unearned love should be willing to offer grace to others even when it is not deserved.
Receive God's grace in order to extend God's grace.
What grace is
What can grace in action look like in marriage? Grace looks like not focusing on your spouse's faults. It is choosing to believe the best about your spouse's words and actions. It is not being shocked or easily angered by your spouse's mistakes. It is honestly addressing past hurts in a way that allows you to heal and move forward in a healthy way together. It is responding kindly to a harsh word or cold shoulder. It is advocating for your spouse rather than building a case against him or her. It is loving your spouse in spite of his or her actions, rather than because of them.
What grace is not
Many people are afraid to show their spouse undeserved love. They fear that their spouse won't change without knowing how much damage was caused by their actions. But extending grace doesn't mean that you grant your spouse permission to continue to hurt you or that the painful feelings caused by your spouse are now invalid. True love addresses harms caused by a spouse's damaging behavior (future lessons will teach you how to do this).
Engaging with God
To reengage with your spouse, you must first follow Christ's example as an initiator. He does not initiate with you because you are lovable but initiates again and again even when you are unlovable. His love for you is perfect and perseveres, no matter the circumstances or your sin.
Everyone wants unconditional love — for someone to fully love us despite knowing the worst about us. But unconditional love like this is only experienced when you engage with God's perfect love through the grace of Christ. When you are willing to receive God's grace, his unearned, undeserved, perfect love is fully available to you. Being filled with the unconditional love of God will allow you to initiate this love with others (1 John 4:19). You must receive God's grace in order to extend God's grace.
“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
The truth about marriage
Lie: Marriage is 50/50.
Truth: Marriage is 100/100. Expecting to contribute 50% or meet your spouse half-way can create a works-based mentality. This may cause resentment when a spouse is not doing “their part.” For marriage to work as God intends, both spouses need to be “all-in”—especially when one spouse is not able or willing to give his or her best. Colossians 3:23-24. Jesus offered grace and gave 100% when you were not at your best. Serve the Lord by giving your spouse 100% even when he or she is not able to do the same.
Reflection questions
Q1: When was the last time you personally operated with works-based thinking in marriage? What was the result?
Q3: Is it hard for you to receive grace? Extend grace? Why?
Q4: Try to recall a time when your spouse was gracious to you. How did that make you feel and how did it affect your relationship?
Q5: Read Ephesians 4:29-5:2. From your perspective, how gracious is your speech to your spouse? What are two ways you can improve in this area?
Action items & prayer
- Before group, discuss your answers with your spouse.
- Consider an area where you can extend grace to your spouse now, write it down, and ask God to help you do it. When you do it, don't tell your spouse. God will notice.
- If you answered no to question two in this lesson, tell your group leaders the hindrances you listed and ask them for some steps.
Prayer of the week: God thank you for extending your incredible and undeserved grace to me. Help me extend that same grace to my spouse.