Scripture · Philippians 2:3-4
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
Quote · Tim Keller
“The essence of gospel humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.” — Tim Keller
Humility
Recall the last time you were at a wedding and everyone stood for the bride, or when you were at a graduation celebration with all eyes and ears fixed on those being honored. In those moments, though everyone in the room had equal value, you chose to let others be most important.
Essence of humility
Placing someone as more important than yourself is the essence of humility. Humility is not considering yourself less valuable than another, but honestly choosing to care about another's needs and interests before your own (read Philippians 2:3-4).
Jesus' example
Jesus' life was the ultimate expression of humility. While those around him were striving to be great, Jesus let go of his right to be the greatest to humbly care for others' needs first. He paid the debt of sin (death) even when no one deserved it or realized their need (Philippians 2:5-8).
Scripture · Philippians 2:5-8
“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:5-8)
Next step
The Bible calls you to follow Christ's example by humbly taking on his mindset. God wants you to become a servant who places others' interests above your own even when it is costly. Your most significant earthly relationship is no exception. Therefore, the next step for your marriage is to humbly:
Treat your spouse as more significant than yourself.
In Christ Jesus
Philippians 2:5 says that Christ's servant mindset is available to you when you are “in Christ Jesus.” Being “in Christ Jesus” means that you have received God's gift of eternal life (grace) through the blood of Christ, and that you are relying on Jesus to follow his example. When you are humble to do these things, you can experience true love (1 John 2:5-6).
Q1
Q1: What has kept you from treating your spouse as more significant than yourself (pride, selfishness, fear, resentments, pain, busyness, family, etc.)?
Costly and rewarding
Humility is attractive. It draws others closer and builds relational trust. Humility is also risky. There will be times when humble acts of service go unnoticed, or someone will take advantage of you. But humility is never overlooked by God, and he rewards those who serve others with the mindset of Christ. Though humility is costly, its gains far outweigh the costs.
Scripture · 1 Peter 5:5-7
“…Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:5-7)
Q2
Q2: When is it most difficult for you to show humility to your spouse? Why?
Prayer for humility
God, please help me trust and follow you in my marriage. Show me ways I have been prideful or selfish. Show me how fears or resentments have kept me from serving my spouse. Reveal how unmet expectations have prevented me from giving my best to my spouse and you. Then, change me, God. Help me look to Christ for my needs so that I can become proactive in considering my spouse as more important than myself.
Humility in marriage · serving & being right
Serving your spouse. Your spouse has daily tasks. Humility is doing some of those tasks to lighten the load without expecting anything (even acknowledgement) in return.
Not having to be right. No one is always right. Humility is trying to understand the other side, not becoming defensive, and admitting when your spouse is right or has a better idea.
Forgiveness & studying
Asking for forgiveness. At times, you will hurt or disappoint your spouse. Humility is recognizing the damage you've caused, admitting your wrongs, and asking for forgiveness.
Studying your spouse. You know well what you like to do for fun, where you like to eat, the gifts you love to receive, and how you best receive affection. Humility is knowing your spouse's desires as well as you know your own and looking for ways to fulfill them.
Celebrate, speak kindly, needs first
Celebrating your spouse's success. When your spouse is in the spotlight being celebrated, humility is celebrating your spouse too, rather than competing for attention or boasting of yourself.
Communicating kindly. When your spouse is unkind, humility is patiently extending grace and listening to understand, rather than raising your voice or returning hurtful words to even the score.
Putting your spouse's needs first. Your needs may be different than your spouse's. Humility is placing the needs of your spouse above your own even if it means some of your needs go unmet.
Q3 & Q4
Q3: In which of the area(s) listed above would you like to grow most? Are there other areas not in the list above? Explain.
Q4: Read Psalm 25:9. How do you think God helps people grow?
“He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.” (Psalm 25:9)
Follow his example
Jesus' message and humble example turns the world upside down. One of the quickest ways to change your marriage is to follow his example by putting your spouse's needs before your own. You will need Christ to provide the will and strength to serve this way, but he will help if you ask him. He already knows how to best serve your spouse when he or she is difficult to love.
Action items & prayer
- Before group, discuss your answers with your spouse.
- Read Philippians 2:1-18 and write down your observations.
- Ask your spouse to share two ways you can humbly serve him or her. List the answers and try to do at least one without expectation of acknowledgement.
Prayer of the week: God, give me humility to put your desires and my spouse's needs before my own.
The truth about marriage
Lie: If I put my spouse's needs and desires before my own, my needs and desires won't ever be satisfied.
Truth: Putting your spouse's needs and desires before your own is a sacrifice. But living sacrificially does not mean you will live unfulfilled. Marriage is not about getting your own needs met but learning to humbly love and serve someone else. Ephesians 5:21. God knows your needs better than you and what your spouse is able to provide. When you put your spouse before yourself, loving and serving like Christ did for you, God will provide in ways that your spouse cannot. He may change your desires, miraculously provide for your needs, or remove a need by fulfilling you in other healthy ways. As you love like Christ, Jesus might even change your spouse. But even if he doesn't change your spouse, he will definitely change you.